3/10 Wait, what do you mean I have two moms????? by Carol

Once upon a time (that is how my story starts) I was married.....to a man........we were happy.....we had two babies.....then we got a divorce...

Well, it wasn't exactly like that....that makes it sound as if we got a divorce because we had two kids.  That wasn't it at all.  It didn't work out....for a variety of reasons.  I am not going to air that dirty laundry out now...

And speaking of laundry, do you know I have done 4 loads already today, and am not yet done......sigh....but I digress.....

So where was I?  Oh yes, divorced.  So I had these two boys, and I bought a small three bedroom house, and we moved in (the boys and I).  They were little.  Z was 7 and J was 5.

Z and J

We had a nice life in that little house.  We were happy.

Then I fell in love..........and we decided to move in together and do something scary and somewhat crazy......we decided  to BLEND our families......

So I went to the library and started reading books about stepparenting ..and blended families, and what to expect...(isn't that what people do when confronted with a scary event..they read books about it)...and if that wasn't crazy and scary enough, I decided to fall in love with a WOMAN!!!!!  (call me crazy....)

K

So not only were we blending a family, we were blending a family with TWO moms.....sheesh, nothing like jumping into the deep end of the pool without looking.  We were blending 4 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs, and 2 households....

We talked about the move, the transition, the kids, the animals, everything, we talked and talked, we made plans, we bought a house, and then we closed our eyes tight and held our breath.

Our kids knew each other and us.  We had been dating for over 6 months but had been best friends for a year before that...(who knew....).  My kids knew her and liked her.  Her kids knew me and liked me.  We had all vacationed together, the kids got along...(for the most part).  L was 13 (8th grade), B was 11 (6th grade), Z was 9 (4th grade) and J was 7 (2nd grade).  


So I told my kids, and they were totally okay with it. They loved K!!  K told her kids, and B was okay with it, but L was very unhappy.  She didn't want to live with "them".  So we talked about it, and K talked to L.  We read more books, and we decided it would be okay........  (gullible...I know..)


Things went pretty well even though L was a bit sullen.  We moved into the house in July 2006.  The summer went pretty well.  The kids moved in, got settled, and we got ready to enroll the in the local schools, changed addresses with bills, etc...all of the things you do when you move.


We moved into a very nice neighborhood, and through a mutual friend met B and N.  They were also a blended family with two moms!!  We were so excited to live in a neighborhood with another family that was like us.....   And they had lived in this neighborhood for quite a few years already, so the schools knew them (and were accepting), their kids were on local neighborhood sports teams, (and they were accepted), so we were not too concerned about prejudice towards us because we were "those" kind of people.

So we started having a normal life.  We went on vacations.......

Z, J, me, K, B. (L didn't want to be in the picture...)

We made gingerbread houses together...........

J, K, Z, B.  (L didn't want to be in the picture)

We even went to Gay Pride rally's in DC together....

J, me, Z, K (L and B stayed home)

We definitely had our share of problems....


I think we had more than the blended families with a mom and a dad.....I hope I do not step on any toes by saying that, but not only did our kids have to adjust to living with another adult and other kids, they had to adjust to being part of a "two mom" family.


We never pushed them to call the other adult anything other than by their first name.  We were also VERY careful to make sure we treated each kid fairly and not have an appearance of "us and them".


Even after reading books, and talking to friends, and doing the best we could, in the summer going into her 10th grade year, L told her mom she wanted to move out, and go live with her dad, (he lived in a nearby town).  This devastated K.  She felt sad and angry, and betrayed.....   L just couldn't get along with me, and for that I felt guilty.  Was I hard on her?  Yes.  Was I hard on the boys?  Yes.  Did I teat them unfairly?  No. She was just unable to adjust to living with me and my kids.


That was almost three years ago.  Since that time, the 5 of us who stayed in our house blended and bonded very well.  K loves "my" two as if they are her own, and I love her son B as if he was my own.  

K and the boys and me at DisneyWorld

Unfortunately there was a casualty to our blended family, and that was a loving relationship between L and I.  She had to move back in with us about 10 months ago, and she and I have never been able to mend our relationship.  She just won't let it happen. She won't let me love her, and she won't let me be her friend.  This has caused many problems between K and I, but our love is strong, and we know we will get through the hard times if we keep the lines of communication open, and keep talking...talking...talking...shouting?? yes but also talking...talking.......

So I keep reading books, and talking to friends, and every day I hope that when L grows up and becomes an adult she will be able to accept me in her life in a loving way.

In the meantime, K and I will keep doing the best we can to bond with the boys, and keep our family as normal as every other family.  So what, there are two moms, other families have two dads, and even others have grandparents raising kids.  Some have one mom, some have one dad, some have Aunts and Uncles as parents.  Some kids are adopted, some kids are fostered.... every family is different, and every family is special.  We have to draw on our strengths and try to overcome our weaknesses.....

Just like every other family....